Set a FRET Date

Mark Twain said,

"I've had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened."

We've all been there. Thoughts distracting us during the 2pm meeting. Waking us up at 2am. Causing us to miss the exit. Shouting as we try to sleep at night.

The worry, wonder, “what if.” Thoughts about something on our mind stealing focus from the right now.

It's distracting. It's exhausting. So what do we do?

Set a FRET Date.

• • •

Why a FRET Date?

When the brain finds an unclosed loop, it nags on it.

So when something is unresolved — a decision unmade, a worry unaddressed, a conversation pending — the brain keeps circling back to it, doing a status check.

And if it sees an unresolved topic, it makes notes.

Why does it work?

Psychologists call this the Zeigarnik Effect — the tendency to remember incomplete tasks more vividly than completed ones. So when something is on our minds, the Brain starts waving a huge flag to say:

"Hey, we haven't dealt with this yet."

But the Brain doesn't always pick the best times to wave the flag.

It picks right before the meeting. When we are in the shower. As we are trying to drop off to sleep. 2am.

A FRET Date closes the loop, allowing the Brain to move onto other thing.

How does it work?

First, a FRET date is exactly what it sounds like: a scheduled appointment with unfinished business, those distracting thoughts, fears and concerns.

So when distracting thoughts show up, you simply add the to the Agenda and tell your Brain:

"No worries. We have a time set to deal with it."

When thoughts come up again, remind your Brain that you have time scheduled to deal with them during the FRET Date.

(My standing FRET Date is Sunday at 9:30am.)

When FRET Date arrives, here’s the agenda:

• F — Focused.
  Get focused. This is THE time to focus on that worry, thought, concern or fear. Look at your agenda or jot down a quick list and begin.

• R — Real.
  Get real. Your thoughts are valid. These feelings are yours. No one gets to tell you otherwise. This is a no-minimizing zone.

• E — Emotional.
  Get emotional. Get the feels out. Lean into it completely. Write it out, scream into a pillow, get in the car and listen to rage metal at full volume. Whatever you need.

• T — Timed.
  Stick to the time. When the time is up — it's up. Drink some water. Dry your eyes. Wash your face. And decide: do you need another FRET Date? If so, schedule one. 48 hours from now. Not before.

This week: What's been showing up uninvited? Write it down. Schedule your FRET Date. Give it the time it deserves — and then leave it alone until then.